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KAPCHOW PUBLIC!

In these parts, it's getting to be a cool sixty degrees daily, at the highest, which means: FALL!

I am ridiculously excited for fall. gone are the days of standing too close to too many sweaty assholes on the train. gone are the days of sweltering heat. gone are the days of the exorbitantly high electric bill thanks air conditioner! so in honor of this the beautiful season, I made a list of good autumnal things and I have decided to share it with the world, since everyone should be this excited! ARE YOU READY.



1. pumpkin pie. this actually stretches to all things flavored pumpkin. a few weeks ago, I was hanging out with my brother's girlfriend, talking about food (what else would I talk about!) and before I knew it, I had listed off all the pumpkin-flavored things that I enjoyed. it was a slightly embarrassing amount but then I remembered: I don't care enough to be embarrassed by my love of pumpkin. that's how much I love it. anyways, she loves my brother, which of those is the more embarrassing love. hint: it's my brother.

2. pumpkin spice lattes. not haunted ones dear god what is that thing, but ones that just come in a cup and you stroll around in your $20 boots pretending to be uppity but really, inside your head, you're rolling around in a leaf pile screaming because you are that excited for fall.

3. leaves. speaking of rolling around in a leaf pile! that is sincerely one of my favorite things in the world to do. I will even spend hours--hours, mom, hours! it doesn't take thirty minutes to rake all the yards! Jesus, mom!--and get blisters on my hands from raking leaves just so I can throw myself into them at some point. I even like the weird wet ones that get stuck to you. not when they go down my pants, of course, but otherwise, we're cool.
3a. ironing leaves between wax paper. this sounds lame but it is cool as fuck. you get some really awesome leaves. then you flatten them between the pages of a book. then you get an iron and heat it up, and you tear off two sheets of wax paper. put the leaves between them and iron that shit. they make awesome decorations, and if you're feeling particularly creative, you can crush up crayons and stick the shavings between the pages. then they get all sploogy and make cool colors and patterns beside your leaves. then you can mail them to your uncle in Texas.
3ai. once I wrote about this technique in a story and no one had heard of it. deprived childhoods!

4. pumpkin patches. I would literally live in a pumpkin patch. this could be considered point 2a. in some ways, since it falls under the blanket of how much I love pumpkins. but I would carve a house from a giant pumpkin and live in it, sort of like James and the Giant Peach, but infinitely cooler, since pumpkins > peaches in all things.
4a. this is pretty much me.

5. immense amounts of food! there's an old German tradition of eating. there's also an old German tradition of eating MORE when the winter months begin to creep upon us. since ghosts, demons, and other creepy crawlies are associated with darkness, and since it's very dark for 95% of the winter months, it stands to reason that there will be more creepy crawlies around when it's dark. winter practically throws a party for the motherfuckers. so, as a coping method, Germans decided to eat MORE, in hopes of filling up all the empty space in their bodies and leaving no room for demons and ghosts and whatnot. they still were very susceptible to Freddie and Jason, but damn if they weren't well-fed.


6. lumberjacks. well, really, just how stupid I get in the fall. the other day, I made a video with my sister. it was just us laughing for 1 minute straight. lame? yes! awesome? double yes!




BONUS: here I am loving leaves at an early age. pretty sure I was eating them. 100% sure that I was eating dirt, since dirt and apples was all that I would consent to eat at that age.


now if you will excuse me, I will be out getting a pumpkin spice latte for my lunch and reading a little Pride & Prejudice. yeeeeeea boyeeee.

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